507 - The Big Journey
One night, four ladies in the east
met at Compass to discuss going west.
l have to go to San Francisco
on a book tour.
You wouldn't go to the Upper West side.
You're going to San Francisco?
Apparently l'm big in San Francisco.
- You mean Big is in San Francisco. - Perhaps l'll see Big.
l need to have sex. lt's been too long.
l've been having dreams
where l run up to complete strangers
and start kissing them.
lf you want sex, you don't have to go across the country.
Those guys have been checking us out.
Oh, cute. Cute...
...cute.
Boring and boring. Like these scallops.
- l love the food here. - Same old.
- Same old just opened last week. - Scallops are scallops.
Bachelors are bachelors.
Sounds like you're experiencing a ''been there, done them'' crisis.
lt's not me. lt's New York. Nothing is really new.
They should change the name to ''Same York''.
These scallops are fantastic, and those guys are cute.
- You should go say hi. May l? - l don't want to say hi.
l want to say, ''Could one of you lie on me?''
l need to feel the weight of a man.
l wish women could go to male prostitutes.
- Women do. - Only in bad screenplays
- and first novels. - That is an incredible investment idea.
Open a brothel with cute men and 500-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
- Samantha, you can be the madam. - At least it's new.
We could put one in every neighbourhood, like Starbucks.
- Starfucks. - Such places don't exist in reality.
Women don't think about sex like it's an animal urge.
We need a connection. Right, Carrie?
No, Big is my male prostitute. l am mixing business with pleasure.
- My relief is a train ride away. - Train? Why don't you fly?
Flying makes me nervous,
seeing the National Guard go through my make-up.
Besides, it'll be fun. Especially if Samantha goes with me.
Please, it'll be hilarious. Two gals on a train. Very ''Some Like lt Hot''.
And the whole trip ends with a luxury suite
in a fabulous four star San Francisco hotel.
- Why didn't you invite me? - Samantha's bored enough to do it.
What time do we leave ''Same York''?
l'm gonna get laid.
More single women of a certain age are looking for a certain thing.
That certain thing does not necessarily involve a certain ring.
We may have traded the black book for a black dress,
and replaced the Ferrari with a Fendi, but in view of certain evidence,
l had to wonder... Are we the new bachelors?
What did Big say when you told him?
l'm gonna wait till l get there. ''Guess where l am?'' Very casual.
l would've called and said, ''l'm coming, and l won't be the only one.''
l think l'm getting a pimple. Can you see anything, above my freckle?
All clear.
The last thing l need is a big zit when l meet my prostitute.
This may be what l needed, if l can stand the train for three days.
lt's an adventure. lt's not the destination. lt's the journey.
A journey in adjoining, first-class, deluxe sleeper berths.
l've always wanted to take a train. lt's so sexy.
You never know who's getting on and getting me off.
- All aboard! - Hello, sir.
We were supposed to have the first-class sleeper.
- This is the first-class sleeper. - Regular class sleeps in a tuna can?
Here is your door to the restroom.
You shower over the toilet?
l understand why there was a murder on the Orient Express.
ln a far less crowded space...
- Delivery from Bloom & Goldenblatt. - l thought they'd send a messenger.
Do you know what we would charge you for a 12 block drop?
- A partner delivers my divorce papers? - Why not? l needed the walk.
OK. l was just going to work out, but come in.
- Hot. - Excuse me?
Outside. l'm schvitzing like a pudding at a picnic.
So, this is the pagoda we've been fighting over?
lmpressive. l can see why you'd never want to give it up.
- l'm thinking of selling. - After everything we went through?
lt's too big for one.
l'm putting the word out, if anyone hears of any apartments.
My buddy is selling his. lt may be too bachelor.
l can change that. This place was where plaid furniture came to die.
l could set it up so you get a first look.
- OK. - Done, so...
Let's get you divorced. Sit and sign.
Do you have a handkerchief? You're still sweating.
Oh, sorry. This never happens.
Oh, thanks.
That's it?
You are no longer Mrs Trey MacDougal.
How do you like that?
l like it.
- You have tissue stuck to... - l'm a fucking mess today.
Somewhere outside of Pittsburgh,
we decided to get out of our twin cans and go for a train dinner in the club car.
This is it?
l thought there'd be white linen tablecloths and Bing Crosby at a piano.
- Table for two. - Sit anywhere that's open.
Sorry. The train zigged...
OK. Excuse me. Sorry.
Really?
Hello.
Thank you.
l'm eating with the Amish?
Every time we stop, good-looking people get off and ugly people get on.
This is the train to ugly. There isn't one man l'd fuck. What about you?
l'm horny. Nine hours of train rocking hasn't helped.
Sorry.
lf she has a problem, next time she can take a buggy.
How would ''Zagat'' rate a place that lists potato chips as an appetizer?
Don't say potato chip.
This zit is getting bigger. Can you see it?
You're starting to look like you belong on a train.
Oh, really?
- What can l get you? - A martini and an aeroplane.
- What's safe to order? - The club sandwich.
And a martini.
God, l need a big drink.
Again, sorry.
Speaking of martinis...
- A zebra-skin rug... - l told you he was a bachelor.
- A bar in the bedroom? - You ain't seen nothing yet.
- You seem to know your way. - l sub-let while l was getting divorced.
Wait...
Surround sound.
l can't believe men think it takes all of this to get a woman into bed.
What does it take?
- Charlotte... - What?
You are the sexiest woman l ever met.
Harry, don't be ridiculous. l'm wearing my glasses.
- l go crazy when you say my name. - l'll stop saying it.
- What a putz your ex-husband is. - Trey was not.
lf l had you in my bed, l would never be able to take my hands off you.
Stop, Harry.
Ever since l first saw you, l can't think about anything else.
- l'm like fucking Romeo. - lt's hot. Can you open a window?
l fantasise about your lips, your perfect pink lips.
Two days, two toilet showers and too many club sandwiches later...
- Hello? - lt's me and it's still bad.
- The trip or the pimple? - Both.
l tried to squeeze it somewhere outside Oklahoma.
A helpful hint - never give yourself a train facial.
Got it.
lf it hasn't started to deflate by Colorado, l'm not calling Big.
Someone who used to be Samantha just came in.
A group of guys not resembling the Elephant Man got on.
They are having a bachelor party in the bar car. Get dressed.
- l can't go with this pimple. - l got on a train for you.
You are going to the bar car with me.
l have to go to a bachelor party.
Back in New York, Charlotte was between some confirmed bachelors.
How can a person have really hot s-e-x with someone they don't like?
You're spelling ''sex'' in a place with a go-go boy on the bar?
- l'm serious. - Why?
Oh, my God. You?
He's my divorce lawyer and l don't even like him.
Some of the best sex l've had is with people l can't stand. Details!
He was showing me a bachelor apartment. All the leather and music...
Leather, l get it.
- Suddenly we were kissing and then... - Fucking? This is so exciting!
- How was it? - Unbelievable.
Cosmos for everyone!
lt's not good. l don't want to date him. He's not attractive.
Ugly sex is hot.
No. He's sweaty and pushy and no, l could never date him.
Maybe just for the sex. How does that work exactly?
Listen up. You have to be very clear about the rules.
lt's just sex. You can't act romantic. Talk just sex talk. Fuck me and get out.
- lsn't that rude? - No, it's hot.
Hello! Where's my drink?
Things are looking up. They are cute.
This blusher makes it look like l'm in a high school play.
Follow my lead.
Hello.
Hi.
Well. Aren't you boys a sight for sore eyes?
- So, what are we drinking? - Beer.
We can do better than that. Sir, a bottle of champagne, please.
l'm sure one of you gentlemen will help me pop my cork.
Just like that, we went from ''Some Like lt Hot'' to some like us not.
- l thought l was looking pretty hot. - You are.
Not according to them.
Hi.
Excuse me, but what kind of bachelor party is this?
We're not bachelors. We're all married.
Except Ry. He's the last one.
We're taking him to the Giants game in San Francisco.
My friend has come on this very long trip as a favour to me.
Could one of you fellas oblige her in a little harmless male flirtation?
We're trying to be good. Promised our wives.
As far as a pimp, l was a total train wreck.
They love their wives.
You were right. lt's not New York that's the problem. lt's me.
l am having an exist...
A mid-life thing, you know.
This has roots.
l don't know what to do. l fuck younger guys. l don't want a sports car.
Parking in New York is a bitch.
l'm sorry about the train. This was a terrible idea.
lt's all my fault. All because l had to get laid.
There! Popped it.
All right!
Let's get another bottle to celebrate.
One very long trip later, Samantha and l dragged our cabooses
into a bookstore near the Golden Gate.
- lmpressive turnout. You are big here. - Oh, my publisher.
Carrie, you made it in one piece.
Well, that's debatable.
l can't believe it. All these people came to hear me read?
- Carrie? - Yes.
They're not all just for you. Mr Winkle's here.
Who's Mr Winkle?
He's making an appearance after you.
- You're opening for a dog? - l know.
They had a chance to get him and jumped at it. He's huge on the lnternet.
l can't be the opening act for a dog.
The West Coast sales rep totally fucked me on this.
- Lily, hi! - One sec'.
- You know... - Thanks, but don't waste your energy.
Go to the hotel.
Get in that giant tub and relax. l'll see you later.
Later? Aren't you gonna call Big?
- With the pimple and the puppy, no. - Sure?
- Go. Take a long bath. - l may never get out.
Bye.
This book tour stuff is rough.
Cute top.
''As l walked home, l couldn't help but wonder.
''Was it Mr Big, was it New York or was it me?''
Any questions?
Yes.
- When is Mr Winkle coming out? - Oh...in a mere moment.
No other questions about my book?
l see a hand, but l can't see a man. Could you shift?
l have a question.
This Mr Big. Does he have a real name?
Yes, but l can't reveal it. l have to protect his privacy.
l no longer cared about Mr Winkle. l had Mr Big.
Samantha!
- l'm taking a bubble bath. - You have to get out. Big's here.
- l need to have sex. - l'm taking a bath.
l got you a smaller room all to yourself downstairs.
- l can't get in another small room. - Please. l have to get laid.
Well...
You'd better fuck him good. l'm not going through this again in six months.
Hurry. l told him to come up in half an hour. Snap it up.
Go faster. Thank you.
Hey, you.
- Did you hide the body? - What body?
Whatever it was that kept me wandering around for half an hour.
l got you some gum.
- Big Red. The clerk recommended it. - Aren't you something?
- Want some? - Sure.
Nice digs.
- This'll set your publisher back? - Yeah.
- You look good. - So do you, kid.
- What? - My gum.
You surprised me.
- l swallowed it. - Sorry.
Let me kiss it and make it all better.
How's that?
- We'd better go. Dinner reservations. - l'm not hungry.
l promised my partners l'd make a vineyard connection with the restaurant.
Let's go. We'll have a nice meal...and catch up.
OK.
l'm walking through the mall and l see your book.
You were in a mall?
l live in America now. You've got to go through them to get to the outside.
l pass a bookstore and there you are, in the window next to the real books.
- You are too kind. - Good cover.
- Cute...sexy. - Sexy?
So l go in, l bought it, drove right home,
sat on my porch, lit up a cigar and l read it cover to cover.
- Porch? - Screen doors and everything.
Well...what do you think?
l had no idea that l hurt you so much.
- lt was tough to see it in print. - You've read my columns.
Not all in one sitting. One reading. One after the other. Bam. Bam.
- l got how much l hurt you. - Come on. That's fiction.
Fiction. l embellished.
Some of that really happened, word for word.
lt's just writing. lt's all in the past.
Let's forget all that and talk about something else.
- How's the wine business? - Great.
That chapter about my apartment key, was l that big of an asshole?
He was like the city itself... cold, infuriating and exhausting.
lt became clear this was not my best-laid plan.
That's what l'm talking about. When have l been cold? Am l cold?
No.
You're hot.
Very hot.
- What about chapter three? - That was years ago.
Can...we please stop talking?
- Wait, wait. - What, what?
- l don't want you to get hurt again. - l won't. lt's just sex.
According to this book, it is not just sex.
What happened was my fault. l didn't read the signs.
You were unavailable and very clear about that.
lt was all me.
Now please, kiss me. Or at least lie on top of me.
l think it's very clear from this book that when it comes to me,
you do not have good judgment. Look at chapter three.
- That's fiction, not even a bestseller. - Here, page 39...
l can't believe this. Are you involved with someone?
- No. - lt's the pimple, isn't it?
l don't want to do something here that l'll be sorry for later.
l'm fine. Look at me. Put...
Put the book down and look at me.
l'm fine.
Just fine.
Don't l look fine?
So...
Let's talk just a little more.
Page 39. This part...
l love making love to you.
No, that was not love. That was just sex.
Charlotte...
...you are so beautiful. Your skin is so soft, so smooth.
And you...
...have a hard dick.
Now...put your pants on and go.
- ls that OK? - Whatever you say.
There they were...
...the bachelorette and the beast.
What about dinner Saturday night?
This is just sex. We are not a couple.
You're just a great fuck.
- ls that clear? - Clear.
- Hello? - lt's your wake-up call.
- What time is it? - 7:30.
- What time did l say? - 7:30.
Oh, OK. Thank you.
After my wake-up call, l got my real wake-up call.
Thanks to my book, nothing was ever going to happen with Big.
Hey...
Where are you going?
l have two book readings before l head back to New York.
- Not so fast. Come here. - Now?
What about last night, all that talk, all those concerns?
Fuck it. You'll need material for the sequel.
''Like that freckle on my face he loved,
''l could do my best to cover it during the day.
''But at night, after l washed the city off my face,
''there it was: a tiny brown dot near the tip of my lip.
''l wondered how something so small could suddenly seem so big.''
- There you go. - Thank you.
Luggage in the car. Car at the kerb.
- Thanks for doing all that. - So, how'd it go with Big?
- We had sex. - Hallelujah.
- But it was not simple. - What does that mean?
The question-and-answer section of this reading is over.
- l'll tell you on the train. - Train? Get real.
American Airlines, first class... and some valium.
l cannot wait to get to New York.
- What about the mid-life crisis? - Who's mid-life?
And sometimes, it's not the journey, it's the destination.